College.
It was in my mind since I was in primary school.
I thought myself, what am I going to do when I grow up
Where am I going to study?
Which college am I getting in?
Thought of many selections.
The one that I wanted to enrol most is TOA.
Now I ended up in HCC.
Not the one that I hoped to get in the most.
I always thought I can get in the college I desired
but some miserable thing happened to my family
I hold myself back from entering an expensive one.
HCC.
I didn't knew I have a bunch of friends in the same college as me.
I only knew that on orientation day.
It was hilarious for us that we didn't know we enrolled in the same college.
Weeks passed by and made friends with the other students.
As some of my lectures are the same as IT, I get to know IT's kids too.
They were full of energy, out-going.
Not like me, like to stay at home, in front of the computer.
Not sure is it me or what. I still can't cope with college.
New subjects, new environment, new assignments, shorter deadlines.
These things.
Made a big mess in my life.
Just to rush an assignment
I didn't get much sleep
Or should I say no sleep.
It was a pathetic life that week.
I can't eat well.
What my eat well means I totally can't put the food in my mouth.
Once I put it in my mouth I wanna puke.
So I did not force myself to eat that time.
I got thin so much even my friends and family got shocked.
Don't worry I'm having my food normally after that.
Just that it was hard to make my sleeping time from 5am to become 9pm.
I was so tired that I can sleep at 4pm after class dismiss.
What's worst is that I sleep from 4pm till 11pm.
Then I stay up all night.
It's terrible.
Future.
I can't imagine my work life having no sleep or food.
I can't make sure if I will have a healthy life later on.
I can't make sure if I can live that long.
I'm questioning myself, can I do better when I grow up?
but, when am I growing up?
How do you describe growing up?
I am still slacking off.
Still playing games.
Still being childish.
Still being immature.
I tell myself:
"Grow up already.
Stop crying
Stop complaining
Stop playing around
Start learning
Start being independent
Start be like an adult."
Not sure if I can be a real adult.
An adult that knows plenty of stuff
An adult that can do plenty of things
An adult that accomplish something
An adult that can make something great.
Too many things to think.
Growing up is tired.
The more we grow up
The more we know
The more we lose faith to this society.
When we were kids,
we always think we have time for everything.
Now,
I'm running out of time.
I'm terrified
I'm forlorn
I'm fatigued.
To think that I'm worn out by this age really is frustrating.
I'm too stupid
I'm too dumb
I'm too foolish
I don't know how to confront this sick world.
